Here’s what to say and do instead.


By Megan Minutillo 

When people hear that someone they know and love is beginning fertility treatments, an all too common piece of “advice” they love to offer is “relax.”

“Relax, and it’ll happen.”

“Relax, and enjoy ourselves.”

“Relax, and stop putting so much pressure on yourselves.”

There are so many things that women who are undergoing IVF need to hear, but I promise you, “relax” isn’t one of them. It doesn’t even make the top of the list. It’s counterproductive, and it’s hurtful, and it’s downright annoying. It might be rooted to try and say something positive, not to jump down a rabbit hole of the unpredictable nature that is one’s fertility, but it doesn’t do that.

It just makes the hopeful mother-to-be feel bad.

It ignores part of the story, too — like the endless blood tests, sonograms, and doctor appointments. It ignores that there could be a problem with your hormones, with your egg quality, with your husband/partner’s sperm. It doesn’t encompass the realities that come with having a blocked tube, or recurrent miscarriage, or a unicornuate reproductive system.

It implies that a yoga class or mediation is the fix to your problems — as if deep breath work could somehow rebalance your hormones, or unlock your tubes, or change the quality of your eggs and sperm.

Spoiler alert — it can’t.

It’s a beautiful thing to want to support the women in your life when they’re walking this road, be there for them, help them, and make sure that they know that they can lean on you. To make sure that they don’t feel as if they’re all alone in their struggles, sadness, and frustration; to walk beside them as they navigate the depths of their valleys.

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To want to be there for your friends who are walking this road is a beautiful thing, and yet, there are other ways to help them feel supported, other than telling them to relax. Here are five things to say/do to your friends walking the IVF road that are supportive:

I could add to this list more, but each action item will depend on your friend’s personality. You know what makes them laugh and what makes them smile. You know what makes them angry and what makes them want to retreat into a corner. Proceed accordingly, and you’ll be fine.


This article was originally posted on psiloveyou


Featured Image by Valentin Antonucci